Musical Memory

Originally posted 2022-06-17 08:00:00.

I used to love 90s R & B music like Jodeci, but now I can’t listen to them, at all, and it sucks.

You see when their album Forever My Lady came out I was with my kids bio/sperm donor, the abuser.

We listened to alot of music and that album was one that was played, a lot.

With so much of that time of my life tied to these songs and albums, it’s an instant trigger of memories that starts flooding my brain.

I just wish they were good memories.

How in the world can I enjoy listening to music that I loved so much without being an instant trigger causing instant heartbreak and anger?

The anger I once had would come like flowing lava from an erupting volcano.

I don’t feel the anger like that anymore but it’s more a sense of remorse since I can’t just enjoy the music.

I absolutely love that album (and many others) but have to turn it the moment I hear it.

That’s just one of the albums but the more memorable one. One most tied to that fucker that I can remember.

He would have been drinking, all day, and music played, he would try to kiss up to me by trying to slow dance with me.

I wanted so much to believe that he loved me then and would always give in to him.

He somehow managed to make me believe he loved me even when he was sleeping with another woman downstairs in his sister’s room. All the while telling me to go back upstairs while I was pregnant with one of my children.

Some people never understand how a person can stay in a relationship when they clearly see what’s going on isn’t right.

I was listening to folks on tiktok talk about it and one man said he didn’t understand how someone could so easily stay in a relationship that is so toxic.

Some people are manipulators and you don’t see it like others can most of the time and for some it is too late.

I so want to enjoy the music for what it is but that entire time of my life from that so called relationship has taken the joy out of enjoying that music for me.

I have tried to just listen to it and not let my mind return to that time in my life.

But your brain, my brain doesn’t work the way I want it to.

And that just sucks the joy right out of it.

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