Originally posted 2014-12-12 21:36:07.
Today I have really been on the edge and just really anxious. Why really not sure why. Been trying to handle all the above with seemingly none of the below. From the VA to the SSA it’s all been a fight to the finish line. Not to mention the insurance premium program that I applied to months upon months ago.
Until recently I had seemed to just be talking to the walls and it was like no one would listen. Then I had someone listen to me and understood the situations. They understood so much because for reasons such as my husband’s military career ending this person had a similar situation. Yet, regardless of all of that we still didn’t get any progress.
So after more time past, more emails, phone calls, etc. I had enough. I sent a message to someone who could possibly help us get somewhere, or at least I hoped he could. I wasn’t sure what he could do in his position but at this point it was worth a try. So, I went to the website sent this kind of long detailed message explaining the situation we were in. We needed someone to help intervene and help before it all came down on top of us. Not even 24 hours later I get a phone call from someone who had been tasked to help at least one of the issues they could help in.
Fast forward a few weeks and now we’ve made a little progress but no results as of yet. Just baby steps.
The other issue I have been dealing with I can’t really speak on in detail at this point because I don’t have anything on paper yet..and I stress yet. It would all be hearsay at this point. So just being patient and waiting with a smile until I need to grow horns. 😉
From another side of the ongoing carousel I have been having to deal with my own emotional roller coaster while trying to care for Dusty and convince my husband to see someone regarding his service related injuries. On the other hand I understand why he won’t go see someone. His entire time in the Marine Corps he had this mindset that he couldn’t look weak to the Marine Corps because they may choose to find him “unfit for duty”. Even after he started showing signs of something going on he wouldn’t admit to it. To this day he won’t admit to certain things that he thinks he will be perceived as weak. He doesn’t understand that he wouldn’t be seen as weak but I can’t tell him otherwise. They build him up to think a certain way during training and part of it is when they transition out of the service they aren’t prepared for life out of the service. They get out and feel like they don’t belong because others around don’t understand things the way they see it.
There are way too many veterans getting out of the service for one reason or another that struggle just to cope with life outside the military. My husband seems to feel like he struggles with what he wants to do and where his next career move will be. Right now he is just living. I don’t feel like he is where he really wants to be. I know he would love to be back in. Hell he didn’t want it to end in the first place.
For the next few weeks we will try to keep the tone light and relaxed. For the first time I haven’t put up the first decoration. He seems a bit anxious regarding me decorating and would rather me not. Plus it would mean he would have to get out the tree, move a few heavy items in order for us to put the tree up and since my normal two tree decorators aren’t together this year that means it would require a bit more on his part. It sucks being physically limited and having to rely on him for things like this but on the other hand since he seems to struggle with his concentrations when doing things like paperwork then he is reliant on me. But I am ok with that. I don’t mind doing things like that. I know there will be one day, or at least I have high hopes that one day he will be able to do things like paperwork again. Heck, I used to get him to fix the computers if something was wrong with one and now…Oh hell No! He steers clear from them. I can’t put my finger on it as to what happened to him that has had this type of outcome.
I mean I know traumatic events can affect different people in different ways. I know the events in my life can leave me on edge at times and have to do things a certain way in order to get through whatever it may be. There are some things that are a bit tougher than others to get through but over the years I have learned to sort of cope with them. I honestly had no choice but to learn to cope before James because I was a single mother for a good amount of time. There are certain challenges to having my own issues, raising/caring for a child(adult) and I will say “assisting” a veteran with numerous service related injuries. Not to mention with his tailbone injury it can be lonely because sitting on our couch is painful. Our couch has been with me since 2003/2004 and it was with my parents before that. Its been around a while so the cushions, padding are pretty much non-existent. Between my spine/leg issues and his this couch has seriously worn out its usefulness. But all in good time. We look at it like this…we aren’t sitting on the floor. No, at least not me, by that time he has already gone to lay down on the bed to keep the pressure off his tailbone. They can’t really do injections as the doctor stated the risk for infections in that area are just too high to justify doing one.
So when he says I tend to be a pain in his ass I wonder if I am kicking him or something at night. I don’t think I am but then again I don’t know with 100% certainty.
One day at a time, one problem at a time, we will one day have issues resolved. We can only play with the cards we currently have and try to take care of them the best way we know how. Maybe next year or the year after…
By the way, Kayla has finished her first semester at Meredith College. So far I know she has passed her English final and now I am just waiting to hear the results of the rest.