Mindful exhaustion

Originally posted 2015-04-23 19:25:56.

For some reason today I feel more exhausted than I have been in past times when I have been bombarded by so many things at once. Maybe it’s just because I have been put in a situation I was never prepared to handle. But when are we ever prepared to have to make decisions like this for our parents? Especially the one parent that was never really a “parent” to you. I keep asking myself why am I doing this. All I can think of is 1) it is what my brother would have done 2) being the woman my mother raised. My hands are legally tied right now. The lawyer seems to be holding his hands behind his back just twiddling his thumbs in anticipation of his return. Now, yes I agree not all doctors or medical professionals have been correct but, with the circumstances presented and everything that has occurred up to this point the man is damn sure lucky just to be alive. Had the circumstances been any different he would not be on this earth.

It starts out like this…On that Sunday (over a month ago now) he had been on a weekly (maybe more) binge of seeming to replace his bodily fluids with vodka, which by the way is his drink of choice. The “girlfriend” saw him on that Sunday. He doesn’t seem like he likes to plant his roots anywhere anymore because the last decade he would stay in motel rooms, vacation homes, condos, etc on more like a permanent vacation. Now he does own a home and at times more than one. The one home I know of that he owns at the present time is outside of Charlotte, NC. He has owned that home for at the least 30+ years. I remember flying from Raleigh to Charlotte as an unaccompanied minor when I was still in elementary school to visit. Not sure if those visits were more for me or just a means of him feeling like he had done something on the side of “parenting” to try to lighten his reputation with the judge. He would always try to tell the courts how “little” he actually made but my mother knew otherwise. So the courts continued to keep the pressure on him. While I was living and working with him during the first few weeks after Dusty was born I did some of the payroll. I saw just how much he paid himself. He has always valued money over anything else. He has never understood my allegiance to my family and how I don’t value money over other things. After all you can’t take the money with you when you die. You can decide what happens to it but certainly won’t be able to spend it from the grave.


Ok now since I got sidetracked let me finish telling you how he even got to the hospital. On that Monday he somehow drove himself to a small clinic after falling in the parking lot of the motel and refusing the ambulance. (I feel like I am repeating myself) The fact he even made it out of the parking lot is amazing considering just how intoxicated he probably was. He made it to the clinic and I guess fell in that parking lot. The clinic I guess saw something that alerted them enough to rush him over to a local hospital. That is where later that night his heart had stopped for the 2 and a half minutes. Now had he not been in a hospital setting my posts would be on a totally different subject. In all honesty, I partly feel like I should do him the way he has done me…just leaving him alone. He made the choices to use and abuse the drugs and alcohol. He made the choice to not actively involve himself in my life and even the lives of my children, his only grandchildren. So why am I even there for him? That still confuses me. I guess the same person who repeatedly took my abuser back is the same person who is now there for the father who wasn’t actively in my life. I know I’ve come a long way in my life. I just wish there were better answers for the things I am currently struggling with.

I’ve traveled to the rehab facility where he currently resides twice just this week. The first time we went up just to visit him since he had finally been discharged out of the hospital. Now the second was on Tuesday. The staff called me early Tuesday morning asking if I could come up since he was displaying a lot of agitation and aggression. If he does continue to display this behavior he may have to be transferred to another facility better equipped and staffed to handle him. I received a call at about 2 o’clock this morning/last night and then again around 7 am. They keep having to medicate him with some pretty powerful drugs in order to calm him down and prevent him from hurting himself or anyone else. I hope he can make some sort of progress in rehab. I know I physically couldn’t take care of him in his current state. There are others issues with him right now that I want to speak on but because of things he had dealings in I can’t speak on them until its “safe”.

All in all I will continue to be the woman my mother raised, the mother my children have come to know, the best friend and wife my husband has at his side. I will continue to smile in the face of adversity even with tears in my eyes because I know nothing will change how I look at life. So even if no one laughs at my jokes I will fall over in laughter at my own.



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