Originally posted 2014-04-25 20:01:32.
I have dealt with weight issues since I was a wee little girl. Growing up in the south in the 70’s…I mean food is food. You were told to eat your food and you ate it. But the times were different. My grandparents especially my father’s mom, having lived through the great depression had 5 deep freezers…FIVE..slam packed full of stuff. I remember after high school I went to visit her. This when they still ”owned” me. Before they knew I was dating out of my race. At that point I hadn’t really dated per say. One of my best friends in high school was more than just a best friend. No one else really knew that. His mother was an airline stewardess and would be gone for a spell. So…we got a bit closer at times. I had not told my mother yet either.
I went from being someone I liked to someone who literally ran from mirrors. Literally. I know that the kids bio father has a lot to do with it. I liked how I was before him. He took all that away from me. But now…so many years later I still don’t have me back. It’s hard to look in the mirror when all you see are abnormalities. I feel like a bad apple from the store that just go thrown on its ass. But to make sure my daughter liked who she is I had to show a different face. She beautiful in every way shape and form. I know I say I am lucky to be alive and since I have gone through so much, so many surgeries my body just didn’t get put back together right. But that does have some truth to it. Since I have had so many surgeries my muscles aren’t exactly normal. They have cut and sewn and cut and sewn and cut and sewn them so many times. I feel like I have a kangaroo pouch since the spinal fusion. I was left with a roll that I can’t exercise off. It kills me to look in the mirror to look at others my age and to see them so fit. I would love to be able to wear a pair of jeans without it hurting my stomach. I haven’t worn jeans in so long because they push on my stomach and hurts my insides. Why, not really sure.
I guess the spinal fusion did a number on me in more ways that one. Since the spinal fusion I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Which makes eating, dieting, living more complicated. You can’t over so many grams of carbs per day, you can’t have this or that. Well damn. As if my life needed anymore guidelines to follow. I realize that sexy is more than just a size, it is a state of mind. So getting back my sexy should be easy right? My perception of my size is different from others see me. I guess loving yourself isn’t always as easy as they say. I am my size because of the things I have gone through but my size doesn’t define me. I have defined me within me. Just need to find my way back out.
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