Originally posted 2020-07-22 08:00:28.
When I woke up this morning I awoke to the image of my momma laying there on the hospital bed in front of me… passed away.
Looking like an angelic figure here on earth.
That’s the last image of my momma I have.
I begged my husband to let me go with her and to this day there is a big part of me that still wants to go with her. I know that may not sound healthy but it is the truth.
No matter how hard I try and fight it, it’s the truth.
I touched her shoulder length silver gray hair laying there beside her face.
Just draped there upon her peaceful body. I know she is and was at peace at that moment but it still hurts like hell.
Why the fuck are there people still able to stay here on earth and enjoy life when there are people like my momma that are gone.
I know most of us say our momma was like an angel here on earth but if you only knew my momma.
She was an angel that could spit fire.
I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t.
There is a part of me that tries to visualize what my nephews looked like their final moments here on earth.
I believe my bff, like my momma, is just trying to “protect” me from that vision.
Kind of like my momma did when my brother passed away. I wanted so much to just see him but after laying on the porch for 5 1/2 to 6 hours I guess isn’t the picture of him I want to have forever.
Then yesterday my husband had a doctor’s appointment to check his blood pressure.
It was 178/111. I think I shit myself on the phone.
With both his father and grandfather passed away it is kind of known as the Carter curse.
They all have blood pressure issues and I believe both of them their heart just ”quit”.
I can’t lose him too. I know our time here on earth is a limited edition but right now, I just can’t.