This is the first Mother’s Day without you. This is so hard. As I watch tv, listen to the radio, or even look at the newspaper or online all I see is Mother’s Day ads.

I keep looking away.

I want to avoid it like one would avoid the plague.

This is fucking hard. I told James I don’t want anything nor do anything. I am so not ready to face this.

I try so hard to remain “normal” because Dusty watches me like a hawk. If he sees me crying he asks me if I am crying and I tell him no, my eyes are just watering.

I feel like I am trapped. Like I can’t just let it out. Being mom, caregiver, wife and grieving the loss of someone I held so dear.

It’s truly hard to believe that it’s almost been a year since she passed.

I know my momma told a couple of people she worried about how I would hold up after she was gone, she was right.

I can’t just get a break. I want to scream to the heavens above. I want her back.

My doc put me on an antidepressant as well as taking an anxiety medication as needed. I mainly take it to sleep, or at least try to.

I admit to having a hard time. I am so afraid of being human and failing as a mom and caregiver.

I worry that I am looked at as not doing my job. I feel I am held to an almost unrealistic standard to not feel, not do anything a normal person would do in order to not have red flags flying above my head. Flying so high that they see and I am bombarded by folks inspecting everything I do,every move I make,everything I say.

How do I do this?

I have tried the pass few weeks to keep busy in order to just not feel, not think about. But…that hasn’t worked like I want it to.

I am not my momma. I can’t be the matriarch. She’d probably tell me to buck up but I just don’t know how.

❤❤❤