My momma’s first birthday in heaven is tomorrow, October 20th. She would have been 69 years young.

Oh God how I miss her so.

I know this gets easier over time but I wish that time was now.

My husband has been trying so hard to keep me from falling into a deeper hole that I have been steadily crawling into.

I just miss her so much. Just simply talking to her on the phone for no reason whatsoever. Until she’d tell me she’s got to hang up because her ear was getting hot, lol.

I know she’s not hurting. She not dealing with the constant crap she had to deal with like a limited amount of fluids per day to keep her swelling down. No more than 30 ounces a day which wasn’t much. That included just taking her medications. I think this contributed to her kidney stones. She wasn’t able to flush her body like she needed to just to her her swelling to a minimum because ot would get so bad it would start cutting off her circulation in her legs.

Ever since she beat colorectal cancer the rest of her body just took her down. She tried so hard. She wasn’t ready to go. She wanted to see my daughter have a child.

I sit her typing this in tears because I can’t believe tomorrow is her birthday. In some ways I wish it wasn’t even thing. Then maybe it wouldn’t matter so much.

I know my momma would not want me to stop living but right now it’s just too hard to be the same person.

I told my husband to throw away some of my plants that I didn’t want to mess with them anymore. He didn’t throw them away.

Maybe I am still grieving. Maybe not. I don’t know. It’s hard when I have Dusty watching me like a hawk. He feeds off of everything I do and say. I try not to show emotions like that. I try to keep a smiling face but it’s just hard to always keep a smile on my face.

It’s funny. I think I found my first gray hair. My husband tried to play it off like he didn’t see it. I almost pulled it out of my head just to show him… hey wait… maybe I should have then I wouldn’t have it anymore 🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭

I don’t know how I will celebrate her birthday, any suggestions?