THIS IS AN OLD POST THAT WAS SITTING IN MY DRAFTS FOLDER
Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart but only part of it is still beating.
I have fought and fought for him so much that I am just honestly tired of fighting. My heart just doesn’t seem like it can honestly keep up. He drinks and then tries to tell me he hasn’t been drinking. It isn’t that I am against him drinking, it is just the amounts, without food, time of day etc. He started I will say a “part-time” job even though they hired him for full time. In his defense, he doesn’t drink at work or even to work after drinking. Since I do not drink very often and have dealt with people all my life that have been heavy drinkers I kind of have learned to sense certain behaviors in my husband. He has a certain way his voice kind of drags when he has had a certain amount of alcohol. I ask him if he has been drinking, “No.” Then I tell him that he seems as if he has been drinking. For example, when he drinks he talks more and has a certain drag with his speech. He doesn’t understand what I hear. I have told him more than once that I ought to record him sober and then record him when he has been drinking. What is it with an alcoholic lying about drinking? I know some of it may be because he doesn’t want to hear me fuss. I have repeatedly told him that I do it only out of concern and it is because I honestly give a shit. Anything he does not only affects him but our family as a whole.
My bio dad, his parents (my grandparents), his brother, my brother, Dusty and Kayla’s bio/sperm donor… I feel like I am attracted to a certain personality and a lot of them have been alcoholics or abusive. I’m not perfect so I can’t sit here and act like I’m free of faults. Maybe my addiction is much deeper than that. Maybe I am addicted to a certain personality which in turn makes me more