Good morning or afternoon where ever you are when you read this.
Our scars are not the reminders of the abuse we suffered, they are the reminders on how strong we were to survive it.
I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I have gone through hell and came back. I am strong, I am beautiful. I am worthy of true love no matter what you said to me.
You know you’ve stayed strong for too long when you finally fall into tears because of everything you have been through.
I won’t say there are people that have been through less nor will I say they have endured more than I. But I will say that the complex hurdles in my life have left me a different person. I have had to go through more than the average person. It is interesting just to look back and take account of what I have had to go through. I feel like a normal person would have already gone bat shit crazy. Believe me I am not far from that.
In all honesty, I have been behind those padded walls. Does it make me mentally unstable? I would say let you be the judge but then again how can you judge a person that has gone through things you haven’t? Does not seem you could accurately know what it takes to move on if you didn’t know even how to survive the move. I have felt at one point that I couldn’t take anymore. I have and then some…and some more.
I hate having to fill out things that cannot accurately show just who you are, your experiences, your goals, your accomplishments. You really have no idea. I could honestly be the biggest BITCH after what I have endured. I could easily be racist but I’m not. I walk with a line of caution in front of me. I give people chances to show me who they are regardless of that gut feeling I may get. I can forgive some of the most hurtful things but some I have yet to forgive.
I have been raped several times. WHY I ask is still the question that remains. At the age of 15 was the first. He was someone I thought I loved. He was older, 22 years old. Did my parents know, no. Not at the time that is. He got me drunk. Yet I didn’t lose my virginity because it wasn’t the ”normal” kind of rape. The backside is the place he saw fit to take. It’s hard to prove since I was drunk that it wasn’t mutual. I sought that male attention and thought that was ”love”. I didn’t realize that this was a bad thing since I thought he loved me. Boy was I wrong.
The second, my ex-boyfriends uncle. I stayed with him while he was away at a tech school. We would talk via a pay phone majority of the time. I really trusted this man because it was my boyfriends uncle. Once the rape occurred it felt, for obvious reasons, numbing. I fell victim to someone I had trusted. He kept me in that house. Threatened to kill me if I ever told anyone. I am not sure if this man is still alive today or not but hopefully his demons didn’t do it to someone else.
The third…well some would say it wasn’t rape when it is your ”man”. I have so much anger in me for this piece of human skin. I have had to learn how to cope with life because of the things he did to me. You changed me, you brainwashed me into thinking you were all that was good for me, all that I deserved. I am not sure if he will ever read this but he knows who he is. I won’t put you out there like that because you do have other children other than my two and they are girls. I won’t ruin that for them. This is not said for your protection. I just hope you have done better with those two girls than you have done with your other children.
The fourth, and final. This guy asked me out for around two years. I always told him that I didn’t like him like that. Never led him on. I was blessed with the inability of not handling my liquor. Cheap drunk, however you describe it. I had one bottle of beer, then opened another. Didn’t finish it. Buzzing…wanted to go lay down. I told my boyfriends brother that I wanted to go lay down. He was good with that. I laid down. Fell asleep. Woke up to someone on top of me. I thought it was my boyfriend. Then the light from the street light highlighted his hair, in that moment I knew it wasn’t my boyfriend. It all happened so fast. Seemed like an eternity. I screamed. He hauled ass. I was full of hurt and anger. I went downstairs looking for him. At that point he was gone. He ran. I went to my kitchen drawer and pulled out of knife. I knew where he lived. I started to his house, knife in hand. I couldn’t find him. His cousin found me. Begs me not to turn him in. I still was determined to turn him in, or kill him one. I imagine if I had found him I would have hurt him or he would have gotten the knife and hurt me or possibly one or both of us would have been killed. Then I got the courage to turn him in. Unfortunately, I knew I had to get a rape kit done. I had a nurse that arranged for an officer to meet me at the hospital and watch my children while I was seen. One officer shows up, he realized this happened in town and needed a town cop not a deputy. A rookie cop shows up, shortly after the detective showed up and dismissed the rookie. The kids and I sat outside waiting for this all to go down. The detective comes up to me, starts circling the table and then says, “You know if you hang with dogs you get fleas?” I sat there speechless. Not knowing how to react. He then goes into the hospital and did something but what that was is the question. I was never seen, never once called. I went home. Feeling numb and not knowing the next step to take. I called that nurse. I told her everything that happened. She arranged for me to be seen at a different hospital and have a liaison from the state office to meet me there. I lied to my mother and told her that I needed to take my daughter to the doctor in order to borrow her car since the hospital was not in the same town. They met me, rape kit done. Compliant filed with state office for the detective’s behavior. The detective had to go pick up the rape kit himself. But in the end they both won. The detective or another person made sure of it. They claimed there wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute him. I know there was. They took samples from so many different places on my body.
I have had to live with this. Knowing that none of them have met justice in the face. But I have peace in knowing that man is not the only judge.
I have had flashbacks. Some that my husband is not even aware of. It’s not my husband that should feel the pain from another mans actions. I wear it well and not even sure you could tell.
I have learned to keep my head held high even on my worst days because I know there are people out there that would love to see me fall. But I won’t let them get the satisfaction of my pain.
Be Blessed. Stay Blessed. Remember to pray.