Lately as I have been dealing with my bio and just life in my world there are certain things I end up thinking of from time to time for whatever reason. Not exactly sure what drums those thoughts up but they are there. Some of them honestly hurt. But those are thoughts I would have to take to my grave simply to avoid hurting anyone. Now they aren’t thoughts of physically hurting anyone but I will admit that there are definitely times I have thought of hurting someone other than myself (and I am pretty sure some of you can relate to that). I am not text-book normal nor am I text-book crazy ( granted some would question that one ) I have my own demons. I just can’t utter the words. I tried to honestly kill myself I’d say 15 or so years ago. I’ve tried killing myself countless times just because of the things that have occurred in my life. Now to simply say that I tried because I was weak is unfair. I tried because I just couldn’t bear to live with the memories. Maybe that’s why (partly) my memory is the way it is. I’ve chosen to shut out those memories and in doing so shut out parts of my life along with it.
My anxiety can sometimes get the best of me and has made a bad situation worse. Maybe one day, I can come to let go of it and not let it eat me up inside. I take things and push them so far down in me to completely bury it. It’s easy to say I can’t help my family without helping myself. But the reality of it is so far from the truth it’s sickening. I put on a happy face to do what I have to do. I chose to go back and get Dusty and chose to raise him and then had Kayla…now yes I didn’t have them by myself but we all know why he wasn’t in the picture. There are days that just seem to overwhelm me with the thoughts and flashbacks. If I was a drinker I’d probably be an addict right now. But I just never had that “taste” for the alcohol like that. Maybe it is because I watched just what alcohol did to my family, what it did to the person inside.
There are times when I will sit here and literally drown myself in music. So much that I can’t even hear myself think. Its kind of funny because my husband does it too. I know there are things in his head that just are hard to put into words. I am not sure I would even want to know some of the things that are troubling him. With the way he has come to think if you “speak up” you are seen as weak, that makes it harder for him now even though he is not in anymore. I guess that would all depend on the problem someone was complaining about. In some aspects of the job I would say that depending on the issue, it would affect the person’s job performance. Not to mention situational security.
As to how my past has affected my “job performance” well…I have just learned to push in way into the depths of my heart and mind and somehow continue with what it is I am doing. With having a special needs child it is something you learn to literally stay on your toes 24/7. You do it with any child but there is just that “extra” that is needed when you have a special needs child. Now, if we were talking about my best friends children….that’s a different set of toes altogether.
Sanity can be a loose term. Just depends on how you at life sometimes. At least for me.
Have Blessed Day! Continue to SMILE, I am telling you from experience. No, it won’t change the situation but will definitely change how you look at things.