No matter what things myself or my family have gone through I have managed to look at things from a different perspective. Now I won’t sit here and say there was something good about getting beat or raped but I will say it has taught me to love myself more than I did, it’s just taken a while to learn from it all. The traumatic experiences we may go through harden us in some ways and then soften us in others. Some people go into their shell and become a hermit crab the rest of their lives and some just keep riding on. It doesn’t make one or the other any better than the other it just means we all handle things differently.
I will admit to a few times thinking, Why Me? But then again, Why not me? What’s makes us so special to be given a pass at certain things? Not the first thing makes either one of us any better than the other. Not religion, money, position in power, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, absolutely nothing. You can’t expect to excluded to things ultimately beyond your control. I know not everyone agrees to the same way of thinking, but it’s what works for me.
You have to look at things the best way for you. I choose to look at each thing I’ve experienced with a bit of a learning lesson.
I had one instance where my gut instinct was telling me just to leave, my cell phone died on me and things weren’t working the way I had hoped. Had I listened to that and left I wouldn’t have had to go through this particular event. But, as I stated. I also learned from that. I learned to listen to my gut instincts. I learned to not be so trusting with everyone and every situation. I put way too much trust in someone and they ultimately stabbed me with a well sharpened blade, hell more like samurai sword. All in all, it was definitely a lesson learned the hard way.
I know some of you may be thinking I have my blinders on but trust me, it is not the case. I see the negativity, I see the bad, the evil, the downright insidious. I try to find the best thing in the worst of whatever may be going on. It’s kind of weird to even hear my husband say things that are the exact opposite. His feeling of dread as if life is about to end as we know it. As if nothing in the world will ever go right. I guess I think the way I do because of the things I have gone through and where I am now. I have been down and out more times than I care to remember but somehow with the grace of God and determination I didn’t just throw in the towel and give up. I kept striving for what I felt I needed to do. I wanted a better life for myself and my children. I wanted my son to grow up thinking he was normal and was expected to give 110% just like his sister. Well that didn’t go like my young mind thought it would but I was extremely hopeful. I wanted them to have it all. Yet, knew responsibility, rejection, disappointment, failure. I didn’t want them to just get an A for effort, they needed to actually earn that A. Not every one can get an A in the same subject. Some of us are gifted in different areas and that is the way you find out what someone is really good at. If they grow up believing they are acing everything then how will they ever know what it is like to really succeed at something? How do you know success without failure? How do you know pleasure without pain? How do you know what is light without being in the dark?
With all the pain I have dredged through the years I still know what it is like to not have pain. It makes me appreciate those painless moments. As a parent you want to shield your children from the negative world we live in. What is the life you speak of that we want our children to walk through, never knowing what else this world has to offer? I know there are people who are truly evil. But somewhere in my heart and in my mind I yearn for that one ounce of good to come through like the sun does on the cloudiest of days, like the light of the skies lit up during a thunderstorm. That is what I choose to see. Knowing that I have been down and going without. To be where we are today is like winning a lottery. We still struggle but I still choose to Keep Smiling.