Two of the times I have been raped I was under the influence of alcohol. Because of the things I have gone through in my life, the lives of my family members and close friends I am really just not the type of person that drinks like that. Yes, I am Irish so the typical Irishmen are drinkers theory hangs over my head.
The first rape was because that person gave me alcohol to drink and well.. Since I was this young girl who really liked this guy and didn’t see any dangers of this he used that to his advantage. So many things that have occurred in my family have been a result of alcohol and drugs.
Just yesterday I had a REALLY intense conversation (yet it was a bit one sided-My side). To hear a young woman say she had been drinking and drinks with others, frat parties, clubs, etc….it SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!
To hear them say that they know their limits, they are good as long as they can still walk…what??!!
Hearing all that just honestly made me realize why I really don’t drink nor do I really not like to drink….I have to feel in control of myself as much as possible. To add alcohol into that equation would just cloud my judgement and how I defend myself. Now I am not saying that I couldn’t have a little bit of alcohol and know with 100% certainty my surroundings but with every drop of alcohol that I intake it lessens my ability to fully comprehend certain situations. I feel that is why when a girl drinks at a party and is unknowingly raped it is because she was intoxicated. The guys knew she was intoxicated to the point of her not being about to first off say, No. Second, to defend herself.
I seriously had a flashback to the first time I was raped. I was so young and so naïve. Didn’t know this guys intentions were to try to get some even without my consent. Pushing me over on his water bed. Then proceeds to take off my clothes and well…he raped me (excuse the term) in the ass. To this day it makes me so mad that I trusted this person. I had a crush on this person. I really thought he cared about me. I don’t even remember what happened after all of it. I was so drunk. Hell I was young and hadn’t had alcohol before. I was afraid to say no to him when he offered me the alcohol. After all I liked him and didn’t want him to dislike me. So I just drank it. I wanted him to think I was as cool as he was. Boy was I wrong. I only want young girls to see what women like I have gone through so that they don’t make the same mistakes in thinking that they have to give in to men like this.
Please if you have young daughters that are in that stage of their lives let them read this or if you prefer read it to them. But let them know that they do not have to give into those advances just because they are afraid that they will no longer “like” them. Rape does something to your mind, self-worth and overall self-esteem that you may never fully recover from. For me it made things worse because all I thought I was worth was what men made of me instead of what I made of myself. We are worth more than just the time they take from us. It is something for me no amount of therapy can fully heal. I have been able to get by in life with these scars but things will never go back to they way they used to be. No matter what that remains with you. But it is with your will, support and love from others that you start to heal. You will start to understand it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t something you brought on.