July 7th 2014

kayla graduation famil pic

You know there are days when I just want to give it all up and others that I can’t get enough. The life I was given I sure has its meanings. I just for once would like not to struggle…just once. I realize there are so many people who have been dealt a bad hand and others don’t even use their own. Some that think mommy and daddy are they forever lifelines and really don’t need to do anything to make their own. I kind of feel sorry for them because they don’t know what it’s like to make it by themselves. The sense of satisfaction you get from knowing you worked for it and paid for it yourself. Not always using mommy and daddy to get what they want. I realize the parents may feel like they can afford to give their kids what they may not have had growing up but how does that help them as a human being? That sure as heck doesn’t do anything for their character.

I feel like somewhere along the way society said this is ok. You can afford to do this for your kids because they will never need to worry about anything. They don’t know what it is like in the ”real world of life”. Am I wrong for thinking the parents are ass-backwards? No they aren’t my kids but why make it harder for everyone else when they have to deal with your child spoiled ways in getting away with everything. This teaches the child NOTHING. You and your money aren’t guaranteed life. You aren’t guaranteed the money you have will live forever.

When I tried to go to college early in my 20’s (even after the stent when my biological father paid for my college classes before taking them back for wanting to get my son back from adoption) I had to get financial assistance. Because I was under 26 they looked into my parents income. Well when they looked into my biological fathers they looked at me like I was stupid. They asked me why did I come there to get financial assistance when my father had the funds to pay for it. Well my answer was the same reason I was having to live in based-on-your-income housing and live on food stamps. He didn’t help me. I spoke with him recently and the man has got to have something going on in the brain…something like early onset dementia or something. Either that it is all the drugs and alcohol he has done throughout his life. Not sure which. He will tell me the same thing over and over again without remembering he had said something to me in the beginning. It is kind of sad to see the man dwindle away like a lifeless flower. But he brought it all on himself. He has money and that’s it. He tries to hold the money over my head like it is a bone to a dog. But he just doesn’t realize, I don’t care. I didn’t grow-up thinking money was everything. I have never had that philosophy.

He recently told me that when he dies he wants to have the tradition burial. One near his parents. Then goes on to say he didn’t even know where my brother was buried. I told him he wasn’t buried he was cremated. Here is the kicker he was in the room at the funeral home when all the arrangements were made. Yet he doesn’t remember it. He kept rambling on…I told him his ashes were in an urn. He then said that my mother had probably just spilled his ashes out (he was being as asshole). My response, first off my mother would never do such a thing and two she didn’t have his ashes/urn. He asked who had them then? I said his wife/my sis-in-law. How on earth can he not remember this?

I mean the man can remember if someone owes him money and will not forget it. Yet, something like this he can’t remember? Or could it be since he is a master of manipulation and loves to be the puppet master he was phishing for information? I mean with him you just never know. He has to feel like he is in control of everything. He went on to complain on why anyone would not want to have the traditional burial vs. a cremation. I told him that my brothers wishes were to be cremated. My husband is the same way. How that would work when he would also like to have the honoring ceremony when a veteran passes is beyond me. But we will not thing about that one right now.

Anyway…I am healing and making more moves day by day. My mother has had several surgeries in her period in the hospital and hopefully on her way out. Not without therapies and what comes with it but none the less …home. My son, well he still has a bit of a knot on his head. He goes to see his neurologist soon and we get to discuss all of this. He is real fidgety though. Partly because of the one medications that we weaned him off of and other just how some autistic children/adults can be. One problem is he will pick at his skin. I have seen him pick holes in his arms. He just has to stay busy doing something. He will sit and watch TV but will constantly move.
It gets frustrating when my brain is programmed to always wonder what he is doing even when I am alone with my husband. He tries to understand but sometimes thinks I just dwell on it too much. But what he doesn’t understand is I have always had to do this. When I was a single mother I had to do it all by myself so I would constantly have to listen out for him. It’s funny because my bio father thinks all I do all day is sit on my ass and watch TV and that is the reason I am so fat. He has absolutely no idea.

Originally posted 2014-07-07 18:33:37.

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