There are a lot of missing pieces of the puzzle of my life.
One particular time, the day I married James. We were sitting here the other night talking about different things as we normally do and then he got on the subject of our wedding day. I remember very little about that day. I remember we were married at the courthouse and two of his fellow Marines were the witnesses, along with Dusty and Kayla. James said that we got into an argument that day. I pressed on wanting to know what it was we were arguing about. He says he didn’t remember exactly the cause of the argument just that he remembers us arguing. For the life of me I can’t understand what we would have been arguing about. I guess it is not really relevant at this point but the fact that the day most females want to remember forever, I have a few thumbnail pictures in my head and that is about it. I never have been the one for the big traditional southern wedding but then again at that point I wouldn’t have had enough people to fill the spots or the pews. I just wanted something small with those I treasure the most around to share in our joy. That is all I have ever wanted.
As I have gotten older memories like that are treasured more and more. Without those memories there to recollect, it makes it much harder to view the day we got married as such a joyous event. I have a picture of James and I at my parents house I think the day after we got married or maybe the day of. I remember when we were at the courthouse I was laughing and laughed so much James said he kind of got upset at me for it. But in my own defense there have been times in my life where I have laughed or cried at the most inappropriate times but honestly couldn’t help it. I laugh sometimes just out of pure nervousness. It has never been meant as I didn’t respect the parties involved, it just happened. I don’t know why I do it…I just do. James has come to understand some of the things I do are because of the things I have gone through and it is my way of learning to cope with the effects of it. Just like anyone else we learn to cope in different ways. I have also heard that the reasons I do that may be because of the mini strokes/stroke but I don’t know for sure. I have read it is called PBA or pseudobulbar affect.
I know that because of my memory loss, fires and other ways I’ve lost things I tend to hoard pictures. Maybe it is out of fear of not being able to remember those times in my life that I would want to remember..kind of like the day James and I got married. I could care less if the event was raining and we ended up completely covered in mud. Seeing pictures for me sometimes I can partially remember things. It seems like seeing the picture is like the trigger to having a flashback. Flashbacks are both good and bad. I just can’t have the good without the bad. I wish I could sometimes but then again I have the memory there to remind me of what we’ve gone through and then just how far we have come from that.
I don’t remember leaving the courthouse after we said our “I do’s” and any of our wedding night. It really sucks sometimes that those memories aren’t there for me to reminisce and on our anniversary have those conversations where we say, Do you remember the day/night we got married and we did this or that? I want so bad to have those memories back. I want to have those memories and be able to look at myself from that day, see the smiles on our faces but I haven’t been able to. Unable to recall, remember anything else no matter how flipping hard I have tried. I can’t ask Kayla like I ask her for a lot of other things in our past because well…why would she know what went on between James and I the night we got married. All I can do now is try to make new ones. Although none will ever be the day we got married so many years ago all I can do is be thankful that we are still together, happy but not without our faults and still eager to continue the journey we committed ourselves to. The commitment of marriage is not something either of us take lightly. We both know it is something we have to continue working on and regardless if we both say we love each other on a daily basis we have to still remind one another why we got married in the first place. Although James and I both do remember the very first time we physically laid eyes on each other….that day is still as fresh as it was then.
As I skim my time line on social media I am reminded of this. Seeing so many of my friends who I’ve only known through social media or some I’ve known since we were kids share those beloved memories of the day they married the love of their lives is a beautiful thing. Both bittersweet and beautiful for me only because it just reminds me how much I’d love to have at the least a mental memory much less one I could share with others. I love looking at their beautiful days of joy and then on the other side envy their memory because they can always go back and look at it either digitally, physical photograph or mental memory. Don’t take me as I’m complaining because that I won’t do that, Never complain about seeing something I want so much to remember.
Each year that goes by I have kept the cards and other cherished things James has given me. I’ve even scanned some to save on my computer just in case I lose those too. I want to be able to go back and look at those things and try to remember how I felt the day he gave them to me. As I sit here typing this I have started crying…crying tears of both happiness and pain. I just want to go back and recreate that day ….somehow…someway…even down to seeing my children so little as they witnessed all of it. I don’t want to stress over something I can’t remember but it sure would be wonderful to at least be able to remember THE KISS.