Since my son and I both have multiple health issues it can make some of the seemingly most easiest things turn into something more challenging. Recently having had to explain myself to my biological father as to why I don’t have a full-time job. Without someone else understanding what exactly we are diagnosed with and what each one entails, they cannot fully understand the concept of living like we do. He tries to lay the guilt factor on me by saying I need to help my husband financially.
I have been “let go” from several jobs in my son’s lifetime. Not to say I can blame them for doing so. I mean they hire you to work and if you have to keep leaving and calling in because your child is either sick or the school has called or a million other things even for a healthy child. But with one that has multiple issues you spend a lot of time at doctors appointments, in the hospital either as an inpatient or an outpatient. You have meetings galore with the schools to therapists etc. These appointment/meetings are a huge part of your everyday life. You don’t have much time to squeeze in a full-time job. So living within your means takes on a whole new meaning. You are forced with decisions that would make a normal person queasy.
I have had to make decisions that I really did not ever want to make all in the name of taking care of my children. Before I married my husband I did it all on my own. There were times when I asked someone for money to help me keep my power on and their response was, ” what are you going to give me?” We’ll that makes you feel even more worthless than I had been brainwashed to feel by their biological father. On top of that they knew what the money was for so does that mean they didn’t care about my children’s well-being too? I didn’t want to have to call my mother and step father for everything under the sun. I realize the situation I was in was never-ending. How can I borrow and have no means to pay it back? There were a lot of things I did for cash money. I am pretty sure some of you can figure it out without me having to go into detail. Let’s just say it doesn’t exactly have 401k benefits. I did what I had to do. From stocking the shelves at a local convenient store, to watching other children, to well…you know. It makes your soul harden a little more than before. You tend to just no feel it anymore. It loses its meaning. I know some feel well no wonder you were raped. It’s not like I was ever on a street corner or a call girl. It was only people who knew me and lived in the same town I did.
When you spend lots of time in a hospital setting it didn’t leave much time to actually go to a place for work. I am not mad at any of the places I worked at that had to let me go. They didn’t owe me anything. Sometimes me being so determined to do it all by myself was my downfall. I asked my husband does it bother him knowing my past. He tells me he loves me no matter what. It’s not something he dwells on but he knows it is part of what has made me the woman I am today. If I had to do it over again would I still do it the same? I ask myself the same question.
It just makes me more determined to make sure my daughter doesn’t have to go through it.