This is where I am right now. As much as I smile to hide through the pain this is me.
I will admit it.
It’s like I am almost not even feeling things the way I would normally. Am I depressed? Maybe so. I am not suicidal even though I will admit that after my momma’s passing all I wanted to do was be with her.
The moment she passed I looked at my husband and cried hysterically, begging him to let me go too. To let me be with my momma. He kept telling me no. Someone suggested giving me something to calm me down to which my husband gave me a lorazepam.
I keep myself “up” most days because I am with my son 24/7. I try my best to just be the normal mom he sees most days. He watches me like a hawk. If you know some folks who have autism you most definitely know what I am talking about.
I was talking to my 90 yr old grandmother just yesterday. She is my mother’s step-mother. She has outlived her husband, my grandfather, my mom, my brother. We were talking about my momma. My son saw me crying. The second the first tear hit my cheek he brought me a Kleenex.
It’s so hard to deal with my own feelings when I have to play mom, wife, and caregiver 24/7. If he gets upset then he runs the risk of having more seizures than normal. My primary doctor gave me some meds to take but to be honest I don’t take them like I should. I’m scared of “feeling“, if that makes any sense.
In the past few years we watched the deaths of my husband’s grandmother, then watching my bio father die, then my mom. Just a year ago having to put my husband’s dog, Charlie, to sleep. Then just before Christmas CJ and Tey on December 22, 2019. I mean in the almost 14 years James and I have been together we have had what seems a lot of deaths in our lives. Within the first 2 months of us being married his father passes. Then just over 2 months later my brother.
I mean fuck, come on people stop!
I firmly believe having watched my bio father pass away like he did and having been the one to handle his arrangements it was to prepare for my mother’s passing.
I just want to feel normal without hurting but I know right now that just isn’t possible. Hell, when I was told CJ and Tey drowned I think I was in shock because I didn’t cry til the memorial. I don’t think it has really hit me yet. I don’t think it will until the rest of them move back closer to us. Which will be in less than a month. They are actually supposed to close on the house they are getting on my birthday.
If I liked drinking I believe I’d become an alcoholic. But I don’t like the feeling of not being “in control”. I think that is part of the reason why I never really liked drinking or even dabbling in weed. I’d like to say I enjoy life’s natural high. Even though lately that natural high seems to have a lot of overcast skies.
I know I tell people that ask me how I am doing that I am doing alright but, honestly – I’m, comfortably numb.