As I sit here I am overcome with different emotions as to what I have been dealing with the past week. I feel like I am in a made for television movie of Lifetime or some other channel.

The picture below is a picture of my biological father. I was contacted last Tuesday by his friend/girlfriend informing me of his condition. He had already been in one facility and was transferred to another and that is where he currently lays.

John

The one thing I’ve never understood is how the hell I can still care, still give a shit, and still have the heart to go see him in the hospital. But then again, that’s the woman my mother raised. I know I had always yearned for his affection but maybe he just didn’t deserve the love I have to give as his daughter. It is hard to put into words what I felt coming around the corner of the intensive care unit’s hallway, seeing him in that state. The person laying there is not the person I know as my father. He is the type that once you have met him you will not forget him. He makes an impression on you whether it be one that you never wish to return or one you could deal with. He makes his presence known. But he is still my father. Oh how that sounds.

As of today he is still on a ventilator. His liver looks terrible. Feeding tube, sedation meds, heart meds, so many things I see attached to him. It is really odd to see this man laying there utterly defenseless. In some ways I feel sorry for him. On the other had it come be as a result of his own choices. I don’t know at this point. The causes aren’t either known at or just not information someone is telling me for their own gain.
The one thing I can say is that all the pain that man has put me through I am offering my help, still after all these years, the rejections. I am still here for him. He can’t hurt me anymore the way he has in the past. I won’t allow him to subject me anymore.

As of today, March 24 he still remains on the ventilator. No improvement but stable.
I did find out he went into V-Fib initially and that is why they shocked him and ended up ventilated him.
Outside of that it all still remains somewhat of a mystery. Granted the man is an alcoholic.
I will remain praying for him. That is as much as anyone can do in this situation until he can safely come off the ventilator.

asshole